DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been an attorney for about five years. I work at a tight-knit boutique firm representing major artists, entertainers and record labels.
Since my career started, I have brought myriad new clients to the firm and exceeded my annual goals on a regular basis.
It feels like my firm upholds a hierarchy that is less about performance or value and more about tenure. The people who have been at the firm longer feel entitled to all of the bigger clients, even if I am the one who brokered the relationship or scouted them out.
I often feel undermined because some of the managing attorneys speak over me (and other young attorneys) during client meetings. And God forbid I make a mistake or miscommunicate with a client — as opposed to constructive conversations, my manager is condescending.
I tried giving feedback about the hostility that comes with this hierarchy they abide by, but my more seasoned colleagues accused my generation of being sensitive and assured me that it’s nothing they didn’t experience.
I never expected that this kind of hazing would be prevalent in the professional world. Is this what it’s like for all young professionals across all industries?
— Corporate Ladder
DEAR CORPORATE LADDER: Every industry is different, but what’s happening to you isn’t right.
Work on building relationships with individual leaders in your business so they get to know you and are exposed to your work ethic and results. Building and strengthening one-on-one relationships is the way to grow and defend yourself.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is incredibly generous when it comes to friends, family and even strangers, but when it comes to me, he’s surprisingly stingy, whether it’s time, attention or small gestures of affection.
I feel unappreciated, hurt and confused because I don’t understand why I’m being treated differently, especially since I try to support and give to him in every way I can.
I’ve thought about bringing it up, but I’m worried that if I do, it might come across as nagging or start an argument. At the same time, I don’t want to continue feeling undervalued in my own relationship.
How can I talk to him honestly about how his behavior affects me without creating tension or making him feel attacked? I just want to feel seen and appreciated for once.
I worry that if this continues, it could build resentment between us over time.
— Stingy Boyfriend
DEAR STINGY BOYFRIEND: This man doesn’t deserve to be your boyfriend if he doesn’t treat you right. Speak up!
Point out to him that you have noticed how generous and thoughtful he is with others and how attractive you find that in his personality. This makes it all the more perplexing that he does not afford you the same thoughtfulness and attention.
Give him examples of times when you wish he had said or done something that acknowledged or supported you when he didn’t. Tell him it hurts your feelings when he seems to overlook your needs and desires. Ask him if he realizes he does this.
If he shrugs it off and diminishes your concerns, push back. Tell him you need him to take your feelings seriously.
The way he responds will tell you all you need to know about whether he is the guy for you. Don’t stay if he is unwilling to shine some of his loving generosity directly on you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.