DEAR HARRIETTE: My aunt is hosting an old friend of hers, “Fran,” who moved here for more work opportunities.
Fran arrived nearly two years ago as travel nursing became increasingly popular and lucrative in the post-pandemic era. Originally, she moved in because she was trying to save money; since my aunt and her husband live by themselves and they have lots of room to spare, they invited her to stay longer.
Fran goes everywhere with my aunt and uncle — and often goes out with just my uncle.
If I’m being frank, a lot of people in my family are concerned about the dynamic between Fran and my aunt’s husband. They seem cozy and even flirtatious around each other.
Obviously, these sorts of concerns are delicate. I’d hate to make an accusation, but I feel uncomfortable whenever I see them together. Would I be overstepping by expressing this concern to my aunt?
— Third Wheel
DEAR THIRD WHEEL: You are right — this is a delicate situation, but it is also something worth addressing.
Speak to your aunt privately and tell her you want to make an uncomfortable observation. With her blessing, tell her what you’ve seen. Let her know that you have no evidence of any inappropriate behavior, but your gut tells you that she should beware. Then, leave it alone.
People live with all manner of dynamics in their lives. Your aunt may be OK with whatever is happening. You will have done your duty by informing her of your suspicions so she can take action if she chooses.
DEAR HARRIETTE: For the past year, I’ve been supporting my younger brother financially because our parents have refused to help him.
He’s been struggling to keep up with rent, bills and basic expenses, and I felt like I couldn’t just stand by and watch him sink further.
At first, it was manageable. I helped him out here and there, covered small emergencies and offered advice. Lately, it feels like he’s become completely dependent on me. Whenever he faces any money issue, he turns to me immediately without trying to solve things himself.
Meanwhile, I’m starting to run low on my own savings, and it’s becoming stressful and unsustainable.
I want to see him succeed and be independent, but I don’t know how to encourage that without cutting him off completely or making him feel abandoned. I’ve tried talking about budgeting and financial planning, but he gets defensive or just ignores the advice.
I’m torn between wanting to help and needing to set boundaries for my own well-being. How do I support him in a way that pushes him toward responsibility without damaging our relationship?
— Time To Fly
DEAR TIME TO FLY: Make a budget and determine how much you can afford to give your brother monthly. Tell him the amount that you can offer over the next six- or 12-month period. Suggest that he figure out a way to cover the rest of his expenses as he also plans to be financially independent by the deadline.
Stick to your plan and wean him off of your resources. When you get to the end of the term, stop giving him money. It may be hard for both of you, but it will force him to step up.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.