DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a small, family-run restaurant. The owner is from Ukraine. She is fluent in English but speaks with a notable accent.
I am from the area the restaurant is located in, and I have lived here all of my life.
Over the course of a month, about five patrons have asked if I am related to my boss or if I am also from Ukraine “because of my accent.”
I do not have one. I know that accents are often hard for the speaker to notice, but I feel like I would be aware if I had developed a Ukrainian accent thick enough to sound like it is my first language.
What exactly should I say when people ask? I’d like to stay silent or move on to the next part of the conversation, but often that’s not a viable thing to do in these exchanges.
GENTLE READER: Restaurant patrons should not be asking such questions, but Miss Manners understands that they do — and that appearing to be offended or unfriendly can have adverse consequences for both the business and your employment.
The polite response is to say, in a bright, friendly way, “No, I’m from here” — before moving on to restaurant business.
This will not lessen your own annoyance at being asked, but if it ever-so-slightly embarrasses the patron, perhaps you will have saved the next employee from such unwanted attention.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am on a team in an adult sports league. At the end of the season, the team decided to have a party.
One of the members volunteered to host it, but then decided to invite other people who aren’t associated with the team. The get-together is no longer a “team” party.
Is it proper etiquette for someone who volunteered to host a party for a select group to invite her own additional guests?
GENTLE READER: No, but before she ruins the party, Miss Manners would like to check that we all know the score.
The team party was never going to be strictly members of the team, any more than non-players were barred from attendance at games. Even at practice, there might have been in attendance a coach, a groundskeeper and the guy with the keys to the clubhouse.
By similar logic, it is not fair to expect the hostess to lock the door to family members, spouses or the high school friend who is staying with her for the weekend.
The issue is whether the focus remains, as promised, on celebrating the team’s victories (or consoling their defeats). But she will agree with you that having everyone arrive to learn they are outnumbered is poor sportsmanship.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I took a friend to lunch. She looked at her watch at least 20 times during the meal. This made me nervous, like we were supposed to hurry up.
I finally realized her watch was displaying her incoming text messages.
What should I say next time?
GENTLE READER: “Is everything OK?”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.