DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering if it would be crass or in poor taste to give a new widow a thoughtful sympathy card with money in it, rather than sending flowers.
A dear friend just became widowed in her late 40s after her husband’s somewhat lengthy and most unexpected illness.
My friend has been a stay-at-home mom throughout her marriage, and has no post-high school education. I’m sure she will get life insurance benefits, as her husband had a union job, and of course she can get Social Security benefits. But I imagine a good-paying job will be a challenge to find.
I find it impractical to spend a couple hundred dollars on a floral arrangement that will soon be dead, and would prefer to give her some money and a nice handwritten note. Is this acceptable?
GENTLE READER: Let us think about this for a second. A newly widowed young-ish woman receives a thoughtful letter from her close friend about her dearly departed husband — and cash falls out of it.
This is not a teenager’s birthday card from a well-meaning but emotionally unavailable grandpa. This is an adult woman who, higher education notwithstanding, wants to maintain her dignity after her husband’s death.
If his illness was lengthy (but also unexpected?), surely there was talk and arrangements made over how she would get on without him. And if not, some extra cash is not going to be worth the embarrassment of her thinking that her friends believe she cannot handle life on her own.
More meaningful than a hundred dollars, or the equivalent in flowers, would be that condolence letter — plus an invitation to dinner or companionship when she is ready. Having never navigated the world on her own, she may need assurance that she still has a supportive social circle.
Of course, if your friend immediately starts her own public fundraising platform, which she will undoubtedly do, Miss Manners will give up her self-righteous defense and humbly take it all back.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family enjoys hosting casual open house-type parties. Whoever wants to stop by can do so at their leisure throughout the day, and we usually get time to visit one-on-one with our guests.
We always have plenty of food, but well-meaning friends who don’t want to show up empty-handed always ask, “What can I bring?” My answer is always that there’s no obligation to bring anything, but they’re welcome to bring a bottle of wine or a treat to share if they’d like.
However, people tend to bring food and leave it behind, and our family couldn’t possibly consume all the leftovers before they spoil.
I don’t want to offend anyone by implying their treats aren’t good enough for us, but I also don’t want food to go to waste. What is the appropriate etiquette for party leftovers brought by a guest?
GENTLE READER: If freezing them or a neighborly giveaway is not an option, gently insist that guests take their food with them, saying, “These were delicious, but we couldn’t possibly consume them all. Can I give you back at least half?”
Of course, Miss Manners’ real advice is to avoid the problem entirely by being more insistent when they ask in the first place.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.