Dear Eric: My wife and daughter have not gotten along well since my daughter hit middle school (she’s now about to turn 18).
Part of the problem is that they are very much alike. Both of them have OCD, but they don’t obsess over the same things, which often leaves them at odds. They are both in therapy, and both therapists have recommended family counseling, but my daughter has refused.
I was driving with my daughter yesterday and out of nowhere, she told me what her problem with her mother is: “The only things I know about her are her favorite foods and that she has to control everything. You’re an open book, Dad, warts and all. Mom won’t share anything about herself that is even slightly embarrassing, or that makes her seem human.”
When I asked her if she had shared this with her mother, she replied that it was too late for that now.
For the most part, what my daughter said was true. My wife was a bit of a “wild child.” The OCD didn’t present until she was older. Now, she is very much closed off about her past. She says it’s to protect my daughter from making the same mistakes.
My question is, do I share what my daughter said with my wife? Telling this to my wife would hurt her deeply.
I know they love each other, but when my daughter goes off to college, I feel that they will just drift apart.
– Stuck Dad
Dear Dad: I really feel for your wife – she’s in a “cursed if you do, cursed if you don’t” position.
For many parents, it can be particularly heartbreaking when the things you do with the best intentions end up being the exact things that create a problem in your relationship with your child.
I think your daughter is being a bit unfair to your wife. Maybe it’s a by-product of where she is developmentally; maybe it’s simply that aspects of her personality and your wife’s are like oil and water. However, you’re in a unique position to help her see where she’s being short-sighted.
The statement that she made to you is exactly the kind of thing that a therapist can help your family navigate. Talk with her about what she shared and gently remind her that what she’s lamenting is a treatable problem. See if she’ll agree to a set number of sessions with a counselor, say three to start.
She may believe that it’s too late to address this rift, but as she grows and matures, she will likely grow to regret not trying.
You should also tell your daughter that you’re planning to share some of what she shared with your wife. And then, figure out what of that feedback is actionable and have a conversation with your wife about it.
I doubt it’s prudent, at this point, to tell her everything. However, if she can hear this feedback as an invitation to vulnerability, and an indication of your daughter’s curiosity, it can set them on a healthier track.
Dear Eric: I am a 55-year-old single female. I often get asked out on dates with men who I am not interested in.
I recently met a man, and we have been going on great dates. I really enjoyed hanging out with him until his sister-in-law came to me and said things like, “Don’t like him; don’t catch feelings for him. Just have fun with him and get what you can from him.”
I still like hanging out with him. Should I tell him what she said? Or just keep it to myself and just keep my guard up?
– Dating Dilemma
Dear Dating: A lot depends on whether you have a pre-existing relationship with the sister-in-law.
If she’s just coming to you out of the blue and giving you dire warnings, it doesn’t mean she’s wrong, necessarily, but there’s no reason for you to trust her. How do you know she has your best interests in mind?
So, keep your guard up but also talk about it with the man you’ve been dating. Maybe he has more insight, maybe he’ll have a response that gives you a different view of him, maybe she’s completely right. If you’re getting to know someone in a romantic context and their relative is talking trash about them, it’s very helpful to ask them why that might be.
Lastly, think about what you want from this relationship, what you’re expecting and what you want to give to it. As you gain more information – good, bad, neutral – it’s important to weigh it against your own needs and expectations.
Maybe he’s fine for you for now; maybe you’ll discover you want something more. Staying clear-eyed can help you avoid getting hurt.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.