DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the bride’s parents pay for the wedding, should they not be able to invite at least half of the guests?
Our daughter has been engaged for almost two years and has a baby with her fiance. Now they want a wedding, so we told them how much we could contribute. They have no money set aside, and his parents will contribute nothing.
It seems that weddings have become outrageously expensive, so they will need to have a small event (no more than 100 guests).
Our daughter has now told us that since her fiance’s parents both have big families, they will get 70 invites, while the bride and groom will be inviting 15 friends. Again, his family is not providing anything.
The number of invitations left does not leave us room to invite first cousins, or any friends — unless we up the budget, which is not possible at this time.
I guess I do not think it’s fair that we will be providing food, alcohol and entertainment for a group of people we have never met and cannot include important members of our family or close friends.
My husband says we gave them a budget and they can do whatever they want with it. I believe dividing the number of invitations evenly between families is the best choice.
Is there a rule of etiquette that supports either stance? Does Miss Manners have an opinion on this?
GENTLE READER: It is not that the bride’s parents should be allowed to issue invitations to the wedding because they are paying for it. Rather, it is that they should be allowed to issue invitations because they are the bride’s parents.
But before you are too pleased with that answer, it is also true that bigger families require more invitations.
Miss Manners is not suggesting that you solve this conflict by throwing more money at it. You need only recognize — and teach your daughter — that people are more important than lavish wedding accoutrements.
Therefore, the lists of people who are important to each family should be made first, in order to plan the budget for the wedding — whether, for example, the reception is a tea instead of dinner, or the flowers are local instead of flown in from another continent.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: The culture of my academic field is very casual. I’m interviewing for professorships at several places, and the faculty committees in the interviews — all “doctors” by title — invite me to call them by their first names.
Having just completed my Ph.D., I’d like to ask them to recognize this, at least for the period of the interview, by calling me “Doctor Name.”
Is there a way to request this with charm, flexibility and humility?
GENTLE READER: Do you not want a job?
Because a sure way to avoid getting one is to correct the interviewers. Especially, in this case, by suggesting that they — who all have doctorates themselves — should show you more respect because of your newly minted degree.
You also seem to be unaware that there are colleges and universities at which the title of “doctor” is not used, out of the assumption that all the professors have Ph.D.s, so it is hardly worth mentioning, let alone emphasizing.
Miss Manners suggests you study the description of the job for which you are interviewing. Does it mention “teaching the faculty how to behave”?
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.