Dear Eric: My life partner and I built and moved into our dream home together a few years ago.
We have a decent-sized family and a reasonable number of friends with whom we like to socialize. We are very intentional about whom we invite over and when.
Some friends get along with anyone, and others are better off with their own invite on a one-on-one as they don’t mix so well at larger gatherings. With the latter group of friends, we find ourselves uptight and worried about someone getting offended or insulted by their intrusiveness, so we prefer to keep them separate.
Inevitably after a holiday weekend or some time where we had a larger gathering, these separate friends start asking questions about who was there. They end up insulted and actually ask why they weren’t invited or if they are ever going to get invited to one of our “parties.”
We are totally willing and able to be honest with them and explain why we don’t include them with the larger group activities. We like them enough and want to stay friends but are more comfortable compartmentalizing and sorting different friends and family into the groups they fit best in.
What is your advice for the best way to handle this? We are sick of being made to feel bad or guilty for making intentional choices about what we do and don’t want to do.
We would normally not say to someone, “We aren’t including you because…” But they keep pestering us so we’re not sure we have any choice but to level with them. Any thoughts?
– Frustrated and Over It
Dear Frustrated: I’m so glad you’re willing to be honest with your friends because that’s exactly what you need to do here.
First off, your friends are being too pushy, which isn’t a great way to get people to want to invite you places. It can be fine to ask, “Is there a reason I didn’t make the cut?” But the objective should be relationship maintenance – “are we OK?” – rather than feelings maintenance – “I wanted this thing, and you didn’t give it to me.”
That being said, how large a gathering are we talking about here? One individual in a group of, say, 20 can cause ripples but might not tank the whole party. And how much managing other people’s emotions do you really want to do? If your other friends are likely to be upset by intrusive questions, maybe that’s something they can manage.
These are things that you might want to think about before you have the conversation.
No one is owed an invitation to a gathering, but it can feel isolating to think that “everyone” is hanging out without you. Feelings aren’t facts, but it is a fact that we feel. So, I have some compassion.
Talk to your friends about what kind of gatherings you’re imagining, the obstacles that you anticipate throwing said gatherings, and ask them if they see the situation in the same way. Maybe they do and they’ll be on better behavior; maybe they don’t and don’t need an invite. But the questions have to stop.
Dear Eric: I’m a Spanish-American. My ancestors from Spain were residing in the United States since long before the first Thanksgiving.
When one acquaintance inquired about my origin, I assumed he meant the city I recently relocated from. He clarified by asking if I was from Guatemala. In a social context, that question is exclusively directed at me.
I have also encountered strangers who have initiated such inquiries. In such instances, I find it appropriate to reciprocate the question in order to alleviate any discomfort or awkwardness.
I have light skin and brown eyes, which may lead one to assume that I should blend in. I am proud of my Spanish heritage. But obviously, there is something that sets me apart. Maybe it’s my last name.
I generally refrain from inquiring about individuals’ origins unless it arises naturally during a conversation.
It’s not a huge concern, but an annoying one. How would you respond?
– Where Are You From
Dear From: Though it can be an innocuous question initially, the follow-up “where are you really from?” shows that there’s a narrative in the questioner’s mind that may or may not connect to reality.
They may be trying to find commonality, but many people who experience this kind of questioning find that it actually highlights differences. The question can imply, “I don’t understand what I’m seeing; explain yourself to me.” And that’s not appropriate.
When it comes to personal information, like history, heritage, racial makeup and origins, you don’t have to share anything with anyone. So, if the answer you’ve given isn’t accepted, answer the question with a question: “Why do you ask?”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.