DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a concert at our church, which has an excellent endowed music program. The concert was an organ and poetry recital, about 40 minutes in duration.
About 15 minutes in, I became aware of a skritching sound that didn’t stop. I looked in the pew behind me and a woman was sitting there filing her nails with an emery board.
I tried to get her attention but she would not look at me. I reached back and tapped her knee, which startled her and made her angry. I asked her to please stop filing her nails, which she did.
At the end of the concert, she asked my name and informed me that if I ever touched her again, she would call the police and press charges on me for assault. I said, “Please do.” She had already ruined the event for me.
She made a commotion as she left, which was noticed by others.
Should I have done something different?
GENTLE READER: Tapped her on the shoulder, not the knee.
No, wait. You should not be touching strangers at all, unless you are rescuing them from imminent danger. Besides, it would be difficult to reach a shoulder in the pew behind you.
And it is difficult, Miss Manners admits, to reach a determined scofflaw. If no church authority was available during the incident, it might still be worth reporting in the hope that efforts will be made to restore proper behavior.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a gentleman who strives to live a mannerly life. In that regard, when riding public transportation, I offer my seat to ladies who are standing. I also wait for ladies to leave an elevator before me.
Now that I am well beyond retirement age, does that change any expectations and norms? When, if ever, do I keep my seat and allow younger men the privilege of offering their seat to the fairer sex?
GENTLE READER: First, please get off those elevators when you are in front, instead of creating confusion by trying to stand back in favor of any ladies who are behind you. “Ladies first” never applied there.
For your habit of yielding seats, Miss Manners commends you, and hopes that ladies always treat the gesture graciously, whether or not they accept.
But it is not only your age that has changed; our system of precedence is in flux.
Gender is becoming less of a factor, as it can do damage in the workplace, where deferring to colleagues as ladies undermines their professional identities. There, precedence should be determined by the job’s hierarchy.
And in society at large, age is becoming more of a factor. Should a young lady offer you a seat, Miss Manners hopes you will also respond graciously.
This is not to say that the gentlemanliness you practice should be abandoned — much less condemned, as is done by some. Tradition has its place, and these gestures add grace to society.
So the short answer is: Keep offering seats to ladies if you don’t mind standing; if you do mind, then stay seated.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.