DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex and I dated for about three years while we were in college. When we broke up, we maintained our friendship and shared many things, like our friend group.
Fast-forward to the present day — five years post-college — and we are still in the same friend circle, but it has become an issue.
I recently started dating someone who went to our college. While she knows my ex, they are not really friends and have never been close.
Even though I thought it was OK to date this person, I was not upfront with my ex, and she found out while we were all at a birthday celebration. She was shocked, to say the least, and left abruptly, claiming that my new girlfriend and I embarrassed her and should have given her a heads-up.
I feel like I’m still trapped in a relationship that I haven’t been in for years! Do I really owe my ex an explanation on who’s new in my love life? How do I set boundaries without bruising the integrity of our friendship?
— New Flame
DEAR NEW FLAME: Something inside of you told you that this might be an awkward situation — that’s why you didn’t tell your ex about your new love interest in the first place. Since you decided to stay in communication with your ex for all these years, it would have been kind to let her know that you are dating someone she knows.
You should apologize to her. Speak to her privately and let her know that you had no intention of upsetting or unsettling her. You realize it would have been thoughtful for you to tell her about your new girlfriend, but it is important to you that you have the freedom to be with whoever you want — as it should be for her, as well.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am experiencing a financial rough patch. I’ve been working as a freelancer and doing some odd jobs on the side to secure income.
Recently, while at a friends-and-family gathering, I received an email asking if I would be available to come in and work an event that night. I agreed. I would have to leave the gathering a bit early, but I’d been there for three hours at that point.
When I announced that I had to leave earlier than expected, my sister spent the rest of the evening complaining. Why was I leaving? Why did I even want to work that job? Why was I ditching her?
It was frustrating. It is not my preference to miss out on family moments, but it was what I needed to do at the time. Having to carry the weight of someone else’s selfish needs makes everything harder.
How can I manage my family’s expectations better?
— Putting Me First
DEAR PUTTING ME FIRST: Ask your sister to back off. Remind her that you love her and that the family and you show up whenever you can. When work calls — especially during this time of financial uncertainty — you must answer. You hope she can understand that.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.