DEAR MISS MANNERS: I prepared some hand-dipped chocolate goodies and delivered them to a couple of ladies in my neighborhood.
A few days later, one of the ladies called me to tell me she is diabetic and couldn’t eat them.
I was sad that “it’s the thought that counts” must not come into play anymore. I felt her phone call was rude and unnecessary.
Am I being petty, or was she being rude?
It will make me think twice next time I try to be thoughtful. This friend certainly won’t see goodies from me again.
GENTLE READER: Then you will not want to hear that this lady spent the intervening time fuming over the thoughtlessness displayed in putting her health at risk — as if, instead of trying to brighten her day, you had attempted to force-feed her.
Miss Manners recommends saying, “I’m sorry to hear that. Thanks for letting me know” — and then tossing the conversation in the memory dustbin and, as was your plan, not repeating the gesture. This is also an approximation of what Miss Manners would have counseled the lady with diabetes, had she been asked.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents decided to throw us a housewarming party — the day after we moved our family of five into a new home.
They invited some people around town who’d known me as a kid. They also invited my friends, and then asked them to invite more people. And they brought their own snacks.
We had been cleaning the apartment we had moved out of and still needed to put up curtains and assemble beds in the new place.
The guests were polite, but did not help us unpack, except for my brother, who helped me with my daughter’s bed.
Was there a polite way I could have asked these unexpected guests to leave so we could continue working?
GENTLE READER: Trying to explain to guests that, while it is true they were invited to your new home, you are not responsible for making them feel welcome because you were unaware an invitation had been sent is a bit like trying to explain to the police that, although you admit to driving the getaway car, you had no idea your friend intended to rob the bank.
Your audience will be skeptical — if not outright hostile — and you cannot rely on the people who know the truth to back up your story.
Miss Manners says this to encourage you to pay greater attention to your parents’ plans in the future, in case you missed an earlier opportunity to squelch this one.
By the time everyone had arrived, the most you could do politely was look so tired and overwhelmed that the guests decamped voluntarily — or pitched in.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often hear someone say something along the lines of “We politely ask that you refrain from …” or “We politely decline to accept …”
Silly question, but this doesn’t make sense to me: If you’re asking or doing something politely, should you actually say you are doing that thing politely?
GENTLE READER: The correct form is, “We respectfully ask (or decline),” which Miss Manners would normally agree is silly, except that it is not easy to convey respect in very few words.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.