Dear Eric: My husband has eating and sanitary habits that make me cringe.
When he prepares his lunch, he licks off the mayonnaise or peanut butter that he has gotten on his fingers and then sticks them in the communal chip bag without washing his hands first.
When he eats cereal or salad, he makes this smacking noise that gets in my head. I look for excuses not to sit at the table with him when he eats. Also, he doesn’t always wash his hands after using the bathroom which makes the chip bag situation even worse.
I have brought up everything except for the smacking sound to him in the past, and he always just gets this pouty look like I’m saying he can’t do anything right. Then he is good for a while but then starts up again.
He is about to retire, and I shudder at the thought of eating even more meals with him. What can I do?
– Dining Alone
Dear Dining: The smacking sounds, while frustrating, are a different issue from his sanitary habits, so address them separately.
If you’re sharing food or space, it’s crucial to also have agreements about how to healthily coexist. Point out the things he’s doing that are unsanitary when they happen – the lack of handwashing, for one (yuck!). Explain that it’s something you can’t abide and why. He may say it’s no big deal, but it is a big deal to you. So, he has to work with you to come up with a solution.
An easy-ish fix is to have separate chip bags. This doesn’t get at the core issue, but it may help clear the air a little bit.
The larger issue at play, however, is a low-level disgust with some of his habits. Maybe they were bearable in smaller doses when he was working. But retirement is a different paradigm and you’re both, essentially, about to create a new shared space together.
If he’s pouting, he’s not contributing to the creation of that new space and he’s not hearing what you’re saying. Talk to him clearly and kindly but hold your ground.
Also, consider if there are more deep-seated feelings of frustration or resentment that you can work through with him so that some of his habits don’t grate as much.
Dear Eric: I have an online friend who is 30 and who is married to a guy who is in his late 50s.
Even though I don’t know her in real life, I really like her and feel troubled by the age disparity. When she was 18, he was in his 40s. To me, this is indicative of a creep.
I would like to know your opinion of men who seek out much younger women and vice versa.
She says he is her best friend, but I feel like he is a troubled man-child. She is constantly leaving conversations to go tend to him. He comes across as needing her constant attention, which I find odd. The word codependent comes to mind. Her life seems to revolve around him completely.
They live on his mother’s property in some sort of guest house, and he does not work but is apparently writing a book. She moved from another country to be with him and had known him for a year when they married.
I know it is not my business ultimately, but do you think such age gaps (or at least in this case) spell trouble? She said to me that most women would dream of having a man like him and that he treats her very well. I wonder if this is just the infatuation of a younger woman who can’t see that his preference for younger women isn’t necessarily healthy.
– Concerned Friend
Dear Friend: Context is really important here. Eighteen and 40 is very different from 30 and late-50s because of maturity, experience, and a host of other factors. So, it’s impossible for me to say that this is an unhealthy relationship, even though there are things he should work on in life. And I’d caution you against making such judgments, as well.
Friends can be an invaluable resource when we’re in relationships that don’t serve us. They can point out things we might turn a blind eye to. So, you’re within your right to point out things that concern you.
From your telling, it’s clear that you don’t like him. But what’s more important is whether she likes him and is in a healthy place. You feel protective of her, which is good. But don’t let that desire to protect undermine her ability to make her own decisions.
Online friendship can be deep and meaningful, but it isn’t the whole story. If you talk to her about your concerns and she doesn’t share them, accept that.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.