DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m sure you are aware that grief is one of the toughest emotions to process. I therefore believe those grieving should be given a break and allowed to grieve in the manner that best suits them.
What a horrible burden it is on the grieving to have hanging over them the responsibility of responding to condolence letters if that is not what they feel will help them process and heal.
I’m 60, and lost both my mother and my husband in recent years. Each time, the last thing I wanted to do was read other people’s ideas about my loved ones.
The condolence letters sat in a stack, unopened, for over a year and were then tossed. I don’t regret it.
If it helped others process their grief by writing the letter, fine, but I shouldn’t be obligated to read it if I don’t want to.
Yes, this is selfish, but losing my husband was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. It should be up to me how, and with whom, I share those feelings. I get to be selfish in this instance.
Thank you for listening.
GENTLE READER: Sadly, you may get your wish and be left alone in your grief. For your sake, Miss Manners hopes not.
Many people agree with you that it is cruel to expect the bereaved to acknowledge letters of sympathy, and you are not likely to offend if you delay doing so. You could even delegate the task of conveying your appreciation to someone who offers to help.
Even if you fail to respond in any way, people will understand. They will also understand that you want to isolate yourself, and with the best intentions, they will honor this and go on with their lives.
But can you not envision a time when you will crave friendship? When you will be especially comforted to be with people who care about you and who knew and appreciated those whom you lost?
So please do not dismiss those who offered you sympathy as having done this only for their own benefit. What they have expressed to you, whether or not you care to read it, is sympathy for you and sadness at the loss.
When you are ready to socialize again, these are qualities you will value.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My first grandchild will be arriving within a month. I am planning to send out the same birth announcement card that the baby’s parents are sending; mine will go to extended family members and some personal friends who would not otherwise know about the baby.
What is the proper way to announce a birth without the recipients feeling like it’s a gift-grab?
GENTLE READER: By all means, spread the news to those who will be glad to hear it. And never mind that some people think others only reproduce in order to solicit presents.
Nevertheless, Miss Manners is aware that formal announcements are more likely to induce the Do-I-Owe-a-Present? panic than the simple spoken, or texted, communication of the news.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.