DEAR MISS MANNERS: I made arrangements with a couple of acquaintances for an overnight trip to celebrate one of their birthdays and to sightsee. We were to stay in a hotel.
Five weeks prior to the night, some close family friends told me they were coming to visit me that same weekend. I told the acquaintance whose birthday it was that I could not make it after all. They became upset because the hotel reservation was non-refundable.
I apologized and explained that these other friends were coming from out of state. I am honestly closer to them.
I asked the acquaintance if they could call the hotel to ask about a refund, but they refused. I called the hotel myself, and although the booking was non-refundable, it could have been rescheduled.
I tried to explain this to my acquaintance, but all they would keep saying was, “It’s non-refundable.”
Am I still supposed to chip in? The person went on the trip without me.
GENTLE READER: You will not have to worry about this next year.
Not only did you break a social (and financial) commitment, but you also made it clear that you did so because you had a more attractive offer. Miss Manners assures you that you will not be invited to celebrate this birthday again.
But yes, you should still pay your share.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am of Asian descent and have lived in the U.S. for about two-thirds of my life. My pet peeve is when people ask me where I am from.
I politely reply with the name of my home state (in the U.S.).
Yes, I still have an accent. My kids were born in the U.S. and have grown up here; they have no accents and no ties to Asia. And yet, they get the same question. I’m not sure if first-generation immigrants who are white get this question.
GENTLE READER: Do you remember when this question was not considered an insult?
Because Americans often changed locations, moving around the country, it was once considered a benign conversation opener. Questioners might go on to say they had relatives there, or had vacationed there, or had never been, but hoped to go someday.
Miss Manners is aware that this no longer works. The assumed implication nowadays is the one you are thinking of: “You don’t really belong here.” Therefore, it is no longer a tactful way to open a conversation.
But when you are asked, suppose you try presuming goodwill. You could give a vague answer — “I’m from around here,” or “Down south” or whatever — followed by, “And where are you from?”
If the response is “No, where are you really from?” then Miss Manners agrees that it is offensive. But if, instead, the questioners launch into reminiscences about their own hometowns, you should assume that they just didn’t get the memo about this potentially fraught conversation starter.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.