Dear Eric: My wife has three living adult kids from three different fathers – ages 22, 29 and 32. The oldest has a husband and two kids of her own.
I allowed all of them to live with us since they couldn’t get along on their own.
Last year, my wife’s fourth adult child died so I inherited her 3-year-old.
We had nine people in our home. I am not their father but tried to give them an opportunity in life until I realized they didn’t want help getting on their feet, they wanted to be taken care of.
So, I filed eviction on all of them. This obviously created some hard feelings and things got very ugly.
I’ve decided to cut all ties with my wife’s family due to this, which obviously causes problems for her because I will not attend family functions, holidays, etc. Do you think I am wrong to do so?
– Stepfather
Dear Stepfather: My first question is, where is your wife in all of this?
I don’t know the financial setup of your marriage, of course, but the home you live in is also her home so one would think that she gets a say in who gets to live there and who gets evicted, particularly if they’re her own children.
And maybe there was more joint discussion about the adult children not contributing enough to the household – nine is a lot of people – but it reads like some of these decisions were unilateral, and that can cause a lot of conflict.
There are many people who don’t have smooth relationships with in-laws. Sometimes that’s unavoidable. But your wife is your family, and so her family is your family. Refusing to engage with them puts her in an impossible position. Who is she supposed to choose?
You don’t have to let them live with you, but more conversation will be helpful here.
Getting into the habit of making joint decisions with your wife, even if it requires more compromise than you’d ideally like, will help your marriage. And finding a way past some of the animosity with her adult kids will help everyone.
Dear Eric: I wrote to you months ago about my partner of eight years and his 25- and 29-year-old daughters who live with him, stay up all night and play games and sleep all day (“Delayed Engagement”). I did not want to go through with the engagement or move in with him until something changed.
Update: I have separated and am thriving. We continue to be the best of friends, yet I don’t have the stress nor have the high blood pressure. I refuse to enable adults living at home as if they’re children.
– No Longer Delayed
Dear Delayed: Thank you for the update. I’m glad that you advocated for what you needed.
Dear Eric: I’m writing in response to “No More Reminders” because I actually believe that one of the women in our lunch group could have written it.
I have been having lunch with three other women for the past four years with the same issue. This one woman in our group would write the date and location down for our next meeting and, despite regular reminders via text and emails, would show up extremely late or not at all, without notice. It was really frustrating and impacted the gathering.
Unfortunately, as time went on, we discovered our friend was suffering from some kind of memory loss that she was trying to hide from everyone, her family included. Despite now being under a doctor’s care, it is progressively getting worse.
We try to remember the person she was and what she meant to us from long ago. We go out of our way now to text her a half-hour before our lunch date to remind her and we also call her to make sure she’s on her way.
We see a very near future where we will be most likely taking turns picking her up. Dementia is isolating enough without losing your friends in the process.
I guess what I am asking is for this person to make sure there’s not more to this behavior. I fully admit that we were quick to judge and be impatient with what we originally viewed as being inconsiderate or irresponsible actions.
– Friend
Dear Friend: This is a great reminder. While we can’t diagnose our friends and loved ones from afar, we can reflect back what we’re seeing to them and offer help. And, perhaps of equal or greater importance, we can extend empathy to them.
Our friends are not always going to behave in the ways that we want and sometimes those behaviors might be annoying. I find that compassion goes a lot further than cutting off most of the time, and it keeps the friendship healthier.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.