DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have autism, which makes it difficult to understand social situations — especially within close friendships. I also tend to be a people-pleaser.
My best friend and I met in high school the day I moved to a new state, and we have now been friends for 13 years. I was the maid of honor at her wedding. I have stuck with her through the hard times she experienced, along with the happy times and some dark, depressing times. She is one of my favorite people to be around.
However, she has done some really wacky, hare-brained things that have led to arguments. She once volunteered me to help move a stranger’s things into their home; she’s put me through a lot of four-hour improv shows that she was in (which were extremely inappropriate and in poor taste); she brings up people from my past who have hurt me terribly; and now she wants me to go to her speech contests, which are also four hours long.
I feel guilty for saying no. I told her that I have things I need to get done, and that I can only stay for the part when she is speaking.
I am desperate to keep this friendship. However, I am reaching my breaking point. It hurts. I love her. She is like my sister.
GENTLE READER: No living human should be subjected to four hours of improv.
Miss Manners notices that you mention your guilt for saying no to this, but not your friend’s reaction. You may be surprised by her acceptance of these boundaries, even if it does not seem probable at first.
It is certainly difficult to push back, but for the sake of the friendship, you must. Resentment is a much stronger relationship-killer than conflict. Almost as strong as those interminable performances.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have asked my friends to help me swap an engine on my pickup truck, and they have generously agreed.
Mechanic etiquette says that if your friends are helping you on a car project, you provide drinks while they work.
A worker is worthy of their wages. However, I am unsure how many beers I should give them for their assistance.
If my friends are helping me replace my engine over the course of an evening, should I get a six-pack or a dozen beers for each of them? I have heard of splitting a 30-pack, but I don’t believe we are alcoholic enough to manage that.
While I want to be generous, I also don’t want to inebriate them and possibly cause injury or sloppy work. Other than perhaps asking if they want a nonalcoholic option, what do you think is a proper number of drinks to provide?
GENTLE READER: How about you save the alcoholic drinks until after the work is completed? Because Miss Manners shares your fear that a 30-pack of beer may render your workers quite unworthy of their wages. And leave you with a wrecked engine to boot.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.