Dear Eric: For many years, three friends and I have gotten together for lunch once a month.
The venue changes each time, and we decide at each lunch where and when we will meet the next month.
Three of us write down the information, and the fourth person, Pat, may or may not jot it down. The next month comes, and three of us show up at the appointed time. Pat does not.
So, someone calls her to remind her, even though a reminder message had been sent to everyone that morning. She says she forgot, and we wait for her to come.
This last week it happened again. I strongly urged the others not to call her – that the natural consequence is that she misses joining us this time. One of the other gals said she was absolutely calling her, that we can’t give up on our longtime friend.
To me it is not giving up on her, but it may suggest that she be more responsible.
Who is right? Or do we just continue to enable her?
– No More Reminders
Dear Reminders: If this has been going on for years, it seems likely that Pat is no longer being irresponsible but rather just following the pattern that the four of you long ago established.
Now, to me, this is chaotic – if something isn’t on my calendar, it doesn’t happen. But Pat works in a different way, apparently sitting at home waiting to be summoned to various locations. I’m not saying it’s the best way; but it’s reality.
You don’t have to participate by calling Pat, but I think you set yourself up for ongoing conflict if you keep pressing the issue. If others of your friends are willing to keep calling Pat to remind her, let them.
You might talk to Pat directly about how waiting around impacts the group, and I’d encourage you to talk to your other two friends about ways that you can maximize the time you have together so that you’re not just twiddling your thumbs waiting for Pat. But I don’t think anyone needs to be right here.
Dear Eric: My husband and his siblings inherited a home. My daughter offered to move her family into one of the apartments and take care of the property. We decided on a rent amount that would cover the bills.
Several years ago, she began withholding rent. She would only pay when I would ask for additional money due to a large house expense. In no way did her rent even come close to paying the bills any longer.
Rather than argue, I left it alone and quietly paid the bills, letting her live off me for at least four years.
Last year, the family realized that they could no longer keep up the expenses on the home, so it was sold. I arranged with the new owner to let my daughter stay for a monthly rent.
She then suddenly moved out, never reached out at Christmas and was gone with me having no idea where to.
I have been shut out; she no longer texts me and I have heard virtually nothing for months.
Am I the bad guy here? I am not sure what to do. I am beside myself with grief for the loss of my only daughter and her kids.
Should I just let this go? We are getting older, and my husband is not well so it would be nice to at least have family around. His siblings no longer speak with him since the sale of the house, which was quite a mess.
Let me know who you think should be the first to try and salvage any sense of relationship.
– Mourning Mom
Dear Mom: You’re not the bad guy. You did more than enough to keep your daughter afloat, even at the expense of your own peace of mind and wallet. This is not about you. It’s about her and her actions.
I know this is a cold comfort, but it may help to recognize that you’ve been harmed here.
It’s also possible that her actions also contributed to the conflict around the sale. This isn’t to say that she’s the bad guy. There are people who are hurting and there are people who are letting their hurt hurt others.
The book “When Parents Hurt” by Joshua Coleman may offer you some insight and solace. It’s possible the foundations of this split may have been laid years ago, and perhaps you’ve been trying to fix a faulty foundation with financial support. It wasn’t the wrong thing to do, but it’s left you without a solution now.
Focusing on your own healing, and perhaps seeing a family therapist with your husband, will help you reframe some of this.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.