Dear Eric: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for more than 20 years. We see each other at family functions and are very cordial and polite with each other, as I am to his girlfriend, who attends them all.
Neither of us remarried. He has been in this relationship with this female for many years but they don’t live together.
When our sons had their first babies (a boy and a girl, now 9) my ex wanted the family to refer to his girlfriend as Nonna. Our sons immediately shut that idea down, stating that their children have a grandmother and that they would refer to his girlfriend by her first name out of respect for their mother and especially not to confuse the children.
Recently, while I was visiting one of my sons, my daughter-in-law and I were having a conversation about my 9-year-old grandson. She was recounting something that my grandson said about my ex-husband’s girlfriend and referred to her as “Nonna.”
I asked, “Is he referring to his grandfather’s girlfriend as Nonna now?” He never had before, nor had anyone else in the family. She replied “yes”!
I immediately said that I was not comfortable with that, and that it really bothers me since I am clearly not dead. (And don’t plan to go anywhere any time soon.)
Here’s my question: Is there an unwritten rule for living grandmothers who have a great relationship with their grandchildren and their grandfathers’ girlfriends who want to share that very special title? (By the way, said girlfriend already has enough of her very own grandchildren.)
– Carissima Nonna
Dear Nonna: The problem with unwritten rules is – you guessed it – they’re not recorded in writing, so time and circumstance tend to shift them around.
Now, you made your preference clear, and your son and daughter-in-law honored that, but somehow things have shifted.
Obviously, I can’t say for sure, but it’s possible that your grandson has started to think of grandmother figures in general as Nonnas and is using it as a blanket term, rather than a specific term of endearment for you.
Any of the adults involved could have provided an alternative (“Oh, I’m Nonna Stephanie,” or what-have-you) and it would’ve saved some consternation. But, somehow, they didn’t.
So, try to reframe the situation as it stands currently. Your relationship with your grandson remains unique and special. You’re not being replaced nor forgotten. I know the name has special meaning for you, but, as with Grandma or Grammy or any other nomenclature, try to remember that he’ll always know which one he’s calling when he uses it, and the history and future of each relationship will always be distinct.
Dear Eric: I have two friends who can’t hear very well. One of them had hearing aids but returned them. The other one has them but won’t wear them.
They frequently talk over each other and interrupt people all the time because they can’t seem to tell if someone else is speaking.
What’s really annoying is they keep telling me to speak up, then complain when I do so. They accuse me of mumbling, but everyone else understands me just fine.
I have to repeat myself over and over again, increasing my volume each time until they say, “Don’t yell at me!”
I keep telling them that if they keep asking me to speak up until they can hear me, they shouldn’t complain when I finally reach a volume they can hear. Any thoughts?
– Raising Voices
Dear Voices: Navigating hearing loss can be tough. Sometimes it’s an issue of pride; sometimes people don’t realize how much they’re missing and have gotten used to getting by. It can be difficult to convince friends who haven’t found the right medical solution to keep trying.
But, in a non-charged moment, talk to them about what you’re seeing and encourage them to visit an audiologist, perhaps a different one than the doctor they saw before. Remind them that hearing loss is associated with an increased risk of developing dementia and that, according to the National Institute of Health, using hearing aids can help reduce the rate of cognitive decline in older adults by up to 50 percent.
Additionally, hearing aids can help reduce social isolation by helping those experiencing hearing loss to better engage with conversation and the world around them. There are many benefits, but like many medical remedies, they sometimes take a minute to get used to.
Perhaps by focusing on their personal well-being and continued health, you’ll help them see that you’re not complaining simply for the sake of complaining, but rather because you want the best for them and for your friendship.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.